Waiting

They say that waiting is the hardest part. I feel this is very true, though I have a good amount to distract myself with!

I'm returning to work on Tuesday. Little Z will have his first day of daycare. Z actually took his first steps yesterday - I can barely believe it! He's been cruising like crazy for a while now, and he can walk fairly well even just holding onto one hand, but it still completely caught me by surprise. My mom was over, having dinner with us before a trip to go see family, and all of a sudden noticed that Z was standing, not holding on to anything. He stood longer than he's ever stood and then, suddenly, took a couple of steps! The look on his face wasn't one of pride, but more of just concentration. And then, he sat down and didn't do it again (no matter how much we tried to coax it out of him). I'm keeping my camera close at hand for when he does it again. I have to say, it is so amazing as a first time parent watching these developmental milestones happen before your very eyes. I remember the day when he first started bopping things with his fists (not even his fingers yet) while laying on his little playmat. We have been so blessed by this little guy.

As for work, it has been a major mental dilemma for me. There's no real decision to be made, the dilemma is more one of how do I handle this? What kind of perspective do I take that will help me through this? My husband keeps telling me to enjoy the time I have left with Z, and I am, and (as he pointed out) that's exactly what I would say to him if he were in my situation. But, I'm really not finding that it helps; I'm still anxious. I just don't know how to adequately prepare!

I'm a teacher, so my return-to-work scenario is a little bit different than someone returning after a standard maternity leave. First off, I don't actually have a job to return to. The temporary contract that I had before my leave ended with the end of the school year. I didn't secure a contract out of the summer postings (well, that's not entirely true... I was offered one, but turned it down because I felt it just wasn't right for me). I called around and emailed a few of the high school principals to let them know that I was available to TOC (substitute teach) in the event that they had to open up some extra classes at the beginning of the year. This is very common, and these positions will be posted mid-September, so I'm hoping to get something at that time. So far I haven't heard anything back, and it's the Friday before the long weekend, before school starts.

So, here are the potential scenarios I see before me for my first day back to work (in no particular order):
- I get a frantic call from a high school looking for a teacher to cover a new class. I walk in blind and have to make curriculum, etc, up on the fly. Not ideal, but I've been in such a situation before, and I can handle it.
- I get a frantic call from a middle/elementary school looking for a teacher to cover a new class. I have virtually no training or experience teaching middle school or elementary, and, to be frank, they are not an age group I feel the most confident working with.
- I get a one day TOC callout for a teacher. The likelihood of this happening on the first day of school is so beyond zero, it's practically negative. No teacher books the first day of school off.
- I get nothing. I take Z to daycare and come back home and tinker around keeping the phone near me at all times just in case.

And... for the NEXT day, repeat! Doesn't that sound like fun? Quite a few teachers are in this boat every year. It's pretty much par for the course, so I'm not feeling sorry for myself, BUT, like any normal human being, I would much rather know what I was doing. I'm a teacher, and under that a damn good student. I like to prepare before stepping into a situation. Aside from not knowing which of those four scenarios might happen on Tuesday, I don't even know what subject(s) I would be teaching even IF I got called in. I've got this strong urge to start prepping curriculum, but with my teaching areas I could do any level of math or any junior science or senior chemistry, or I could get called in for something completely outside of my teaching area. It would be a complete waste of time to prep anything before I needed to.

Anyways, I just need to get over it. In the mean while, the house is getting pretty clean and organized... at least there I've got the locus of control.

Update: about 20 minutes after posting, I got a call for a two week subbing job - yay!