That is what I keep telling myself. I find it so easy to get stressed out, even when things are going wonderfully, somehow there's a way to find stress in the situation. A friend of mine recently shared a cartoon on facebook and I so identified with it:
I just found out yesterday that I got a position teaching summer school. This is a good thing; this is a great thing! This will be a good way for me to get back into teaching, to dip my toe in, so to speak, to have a trial of leaving Z with someone else before the big go-back-to-work move in September. Plus, this will be excellent for our finances, considering that my EI runs out at end of June.
So, why am I feeling anxious? Because, I haven't taught in an entire year. Because, I've never taught this course before (let's face it, that's always the case, so that's nothing new). Because, I've never had to leave Z before on a regular basis. Because, I'll have to figure out childcare for him, and I'm worried about someone else taking care of him... taking the same care of him that I feel like I'm an expert in now. Because, I only have a couple months left before I really return to work, before crazy, hectic life change begins, and I love him so much, and I cherish my time with him, and I NEVER WANT IT TO END!!!!!!
And yet, there are days when I wish I was working again, days when I feel I'd like that different challenge. I've been tutoring and I certainly enjoy teaching, it's something I feel is a true passion of mine. But, being a mommy is a true passion of mine as well.
In all of this, I am trying to shift my perspective, because, really, what is the problem? That I have a job? That I have a wonderful baby and a wonderful family that I love spending time with? All of these things are blessings. I'm trying to process this looming change in a way that doesn't disable me, in a way that allows me to savor the moments (like the morning walks I take with Z in the carrier, held close to my chest). I'm trying to allow myself to have the feelings, and to ride them for the natural things they are, the natural life changes. To see and acknowledge them as what makes life so precious... but, let's be honest, it's still shitty - the year is almost done!
Congrats again on getting a position Nat! :)
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain...I've always had myself or Brett able to take care of the Munchkin and now I think it's time for me to go back to work...but I'm SO beyond scared since I've been out of the workforce for so long and I feel like I've lost skills. If finding a suitable job wasn't stressful enough, putting the Munchkin in daycare and/or preschool makes me extremely anxious since he is quite developmentally behind in the speech language department and know that he can get frustrated pretty easily. Not to mention it breaks my heart when other kids don't play with him (cause they don't understand him) and you can just see how disappointed he gets in that.
We can be stressed out together!
When you're in the midst of a situation, there's always a time when you weigh your pros and cons. This is just another process you are going though. But like we talked about at the last knit night, no need to worry about the future. This is a just a small hurdle to go through. Challenges are what make life exciting.
ReplyDeleteAnd YAY! Summer school contract! You were hoping for that! It'll be a great way to transition into the fall. :)
Yay...summer school contract!! Oh no...who will be good enough to look after my baby!! Reality is of course that no one is...good enough. It is nice to know that others can be stressed out together with you.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
Mom
OMG, what are you going to do about your blog when the year is over? You're not going to stop!?! Change the name!?!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I do know what you're going through and, at the same time, don't know what you're going through. I had five years at home with the twins and yearned the whole time for more intellectual stimulation. I went back to school as soon as they did. But now, when I look back on that period of my life, it is bathed in a golden light.
You will most likely be lucky enough to have this experience again.
I plan on keeping the blog, and keeping the name as well. I think it's a good blog name and I'd be sad to give it up. Hubby and I are thinking that by the time the next one comes along, perhaps we'll be in a place where we'll have more flexibility for me to stay home, or only work part time. I definitely cherish this time.
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